How badly do I want a partner?
One thing feels certain: I miss intimacy and love. I miss the connection of someone who has seen me and experienced me naked - in spirit and in body. I miss the closeness and the partnership and the mutual exploration of our minds. I also truly desire to build a family. I want the pleasure of putting life on this earth and shaping it in my image. I want the unity of a nuclear family and the pleasure of having initiated a new dynasty.
But I can also see the immense cost of committing too early to a partner and a family. I see this happening to many of my friends. They have settled down and their days are dominated by operations and maintenance. They have little time for contemplation and development. Their life is one long string of obligations.
Merely having a partner - especially living with one - removes a large chunk of discretionary time. A successful and giving relationship requires repeated investments, without which it surely decays. In a relationship, the default is no longer solitude but companionship. Suddenly, solitude must be a deliberate choice and often one not easily made, since it effectively is - or can be interpreted as - a temporary rejection of the partner.
Adding kids to the equation exacerbates this to the point where many parents do not expect solitude as a normal part of their day. The last precious bits of time alone that one could still carve out in a relationship are now at the mercy of one’s offspring. There is the baseline increase in things to do and plan, and there is the ever-present risk that they need you somehow. Solitude is surely possible, but it is largely outside one’s control. Another agenda dominates entirely.
Of course, my economic situation makes things easier. I can outsource much of the operational load of having kids. This should keep me from drowning completely in small things. But it does not change the fact that much of my life can no longer be lived exclusively on my premises.
I do want a partner and a family. That much I know. But I also want my life to be grand. I feel I have so much to give to the world - so much potential. If, on my dead bed, I have realised only a fraction of this potential, I know I will be filled with regret. Thus, I cannot allow a partner and a family to limit my growth too much. I must make sure that I enter into such commitments as a deliberate choice with open eyes and with a plan for continuing my development. I cannot allow myself to get sucked into the mundane. For that, my life is too important.